Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Doctors texting each other.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Thursday

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.