Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up