Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that