Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
