Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Spider-cat: No One Home

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

#TopTip

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.