Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?


Me: [going in for a hug]



Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date


Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.


Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.


Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.


If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.


Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid