I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You Might Also Like
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid