@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

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@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@jellybnbonanza

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.