Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Lmfao
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..