@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

You Might Also Like

@McSwtrvst

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

@blade_funner

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@LoveNLunchmeat

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid