Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
getting groceries
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae