Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen