Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Pee pressure > peer pressure

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad