Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I’m already scared
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite