candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.