candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*