Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
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[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
This was my dad’s browser history.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
consequences, the bane of my existence
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
this chia pet tastes awful
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are