Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am