Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
seems fine
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.