Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

I’m listening

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.