Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.