Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems legit

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.