Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024