[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom