Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Ref: Call it in the air..
Me: A QUARTER.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”