Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
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My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
This is a bad sign
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Never let them know your next move 😂