Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?