Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.