Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

some cats are just doing for fun!

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

so much to do

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you