Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

i baked you a cake

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

44.65

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44.87

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44.96

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44.98

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44.99

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45.01

~ gas pumps