Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..