Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup