Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Miscakes

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

i have one speed and it’s mosey

He has no idea 🤡

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”