[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS