[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or