Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Lunatics are gonna loon.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*