Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok