Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*