Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
who wore it better?
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
😂😂😂
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me