cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
He is just living hist best little life 😊
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids