Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”