Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
You Might Also Like
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…