Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
who wore it better?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
He’s cranky this morning
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.