Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Same pineapple, same

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Sunday

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.