canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts