Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”