Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
(Musicians.)
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.