Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Ovenable?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.