@karanbirtinna

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

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@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me

@chadzappa

is this your first day on the internet?

men are men, women are men, and children are cops…

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@niccolethurman

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

@Eightinchgoat

*Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@JesseWeller

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

@RoosterMustache

[enter password]

mypulloutgame

[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying

@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.