Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos