I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
This is my cat’s medicine.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu