Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
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5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.