can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
There’s only one good girl here!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
bro what is going on at twitter
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.