can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.