can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].