Can’t. About to go please some beans
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
genius
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
marvel comics have peaked
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.