Can’t. About to go please some beans
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Sex so good you see dead people.