Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.