Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You Might Also Like
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.