Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

#TopTip

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces