Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.