Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned