Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.