can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants