God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.