Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
notice
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
…u ok Nintendo?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good