Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Rather alarming headline…
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
murder on the timeline
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!