Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.