Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make