Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.