can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: