can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.