can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You Might Also Like
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Looking at you, Jesus.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Cheer up.
